I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The feeling are messing with the penis
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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