Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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