hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
