Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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