census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
