Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
