my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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