Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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