that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You ruined the universe
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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