It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
