I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
