All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
