I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
