Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
