my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
