Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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