Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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