"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
