VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
