What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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