Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
