He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
