How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
