My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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