i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
