There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
