when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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