i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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