i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
