Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I want a musical about memes.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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