so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
