You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
