I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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