He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
