I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
