I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
