Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
