I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He has the fingertips of a God
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