Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My penis needs a shock collar
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
