she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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