my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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