Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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