the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
