I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
