he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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