Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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