Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
