I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
