Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
