Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
