hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
