i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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