Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
