New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
