she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
