I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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