WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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