Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
